Dark thoughts, black visions, tainted dreams are what eats me up as I cross the muddy rivers of my soul, every scar I bear bleeds open again, the tomb of my buried sorrows are unlocked again, it seems my dim memories are mummified when they should be decayed and decomposed; why won’t they just die and rot and cease to be? What keeps them well preserved while deceased? Is it me who won’t let them or am I forever doomed to have the marks of every demon that wounded my soul?
How I can escape my mind? How can I close the eye of my heart to the dreadful images that keeps on playing nonstop in the screen of my awareness? How can I shut down the screaming voices of every broken wish and every murdered desire as they shout at my core and echo inside my deserted being?
Oh the agony I feel once I am inside the blazes of my inferno, the heat burns the softness of my skin, the turbulence and anxiety I experience as I see the dance of my demons feeding from my despair and laughing at my tears, enjoying my cries and growing stronger with every dying laughter and every sorrowful joy I give up when I am in the darker side of myself.
These demons are nothing but my surrender and my fall; they are nothing but the death of hope inside of me, they are as strong as my weaknesses and they get frail as I grow powerful, they are my blindness to what is beyond the twilight and the sunset, they are my fears, my doubts, my insecurities and everything that threatens the safety of the life I want to lead.
They dance to the sad tunes of every loss I endured, they dance to the melodies of a heartache I suffer from, they dance to the sound of my weeping dreams that are fighting to be, and they dance and dance and dance hysterically until my mind becomes so weary and I seek salvation in all the narcotics and sedatives I am hooked on , sometimes I find refuge in mother nature, other times in music and arts, I escape inside my imagination where things are how I want them to be , where it is me who chooses and not feel the bruises as I hurt myself each time I try to slam down the many barriers that holds me a captive in my own war against myself…
The battle is fierce but I have to stand up for myself and fight for my peace of mind, I have to keep my flame from burning out , I have to sustain it , I never will lose my spark no matter how long I stay In the dark , I will build my own victory arc ; I will change the music of lamentation to a masterpiece my fingers play in the harp of a new dawn , of a new light and a new glow knowing that all the demons in the world cannot subdue my strengths and kill my fervor and love for life and happiness… and so when the music changes so does the dance…
Lina hanna Hanna
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