Shackles and Chains

Ambushed, locked in, dragging the heavy iron chains wrapped around me I take my steps , days haul as the minutes conspire to suffocate me while I feel their slow cold passage on my weary heart , as I feel exhausted and sedated from carrying all those moments of what feels a hollow eternity of going back to the start in a vicious circle where I can hardly feel what is it that I feel , it’s like I am present but absent in my very presence, voices sound like far away and distant echoes , where words sound like a distorted noise and where looking at the faces of the persons I see is like watching the nothingness inside of me , it s when the demons of despair are having a festival of the sorrow and anguish that eat me up while alive…

It is when I want to soar high but my wings are broken , it s when I want to run and race time but my feet are planted in the ground , it ‘s when I want to be active but all I do is being passive , it is when I am in a bigger cage and that I beat myself into while trying to break free, it is when I have the will but not the means and the ways to make the idea into a tangible reality , it is when I am fighting the world’s cruelty and deceit on my own , it is when the pain is too strong that I no longer suffer it , it is when I am hurt till my bones , it is when I suffocate because I can’t inhale the amount of air that I need , it is when I feel forsaken and abandoned , it is when the universe betray me and that destiny mock my positivity …

In those days I fall into a cyclone of gloom and doom, when nothing is going right and everything is just one huge mess, when the rose of my soul die of thirst, it is when the birds of my inner garden suddenly stop singing, it is when my inner well runs dry, it is when the aster of my being leaves its sky and only darkness remains…

It is when reality wins over the dream and when capability is killed by the lack of opportunity, it is the surrender replacing the struggle, it is when I just do not have the strengths within me, it is me not enjoying anything because I was long deprived of many things, it is me not being interested anymore after I stayed interested for very long, it is the slap of time on my face after I cuddled with hours and made friends with days that turned against me , it is the price I pay for being a dreamer , an idealist in a material world , where the monster of consumption is feeding from the blood of production , it is the thief of joy stealing my happiness away from me by challenging me to let go of me in order to be …

I am worn out , i am tired from walking down a road that is not leading me anywhere, I am drained out , losing my breath of life tormented from living too little when I want to live too much and feel too much from accomplishing too little when I want to achieve the impossible . Where is the exit? I want a way out , my soul is in agony , my heart is a rebellion , but will its revolution be fruitful , will I bloom or just disintegrate in my own sorrow ?

Lina Hanna Hanna